When I first got into this column that was the original deal: Baseball, Basketball, Football. Finally, I’m actually going to do all 3 of those things in one column. Let’s start with Baseball:
Baseball 2009 Postseason Predictions
Now that we have all the postseason matchups set it’s time to go through the whole bracket and make picks.
Yankees and Twins: The Twins had to fly overnight to get to New York to take on the Yankees after they had just spent 12 innings trying to lose to Detroit without Detroit obliging. Now that the Twins are in New York I hope they don’t plan on trying to lose some more because I suspect that the Yankees will happily take some free wins.
A.J. Burnett is scheduled to start Game 1 and he has taken on Jose Molina as his catcher and NOT Jorge Posada. Apparently, Jorge wasn’t too happy, since he said something like “I hope we win this game” as if Jose Molina is some chump who the Yanks got off the scrapheap. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! Jose Molina AND his two brothers all play Major League Baseball, don’t you think he’s got to be pretty good. Listen, I know you’ve been integral to the Yankees previous success ole Jorge, but you’ve got to back off. Let’s face it: you’re getting older, you don’t use batting gloves (and as far as I’m concerned only Vlad Guerrero is allowed to do that), you are a reminder of days goneby (not the future) and Jose Molina is young and A.J. Burnett is allowed to have his own catcher. Hell, Greg Maddux did for years in Atlanta and no one ever complained to the media… so GET OVER IT!
In other news, the Yankees lineup is stacked, but will A-Rod come through this season in the postseason? When Dwight Howard was missing all those free throws in Game 4 of the Finals I said “If he doesn’t win a title his whole career will be boiled down to collapsing at the free throw line.” Guess what A-Rod? If you can’t get it together and deliver a title to the Apple, your whole career will be boiled down to this sentence “A-Rod had talent, but no moxy.” Do you really want to pass Hank Aaron and Barry Bonds and not have a championship? I think Barry would tell you it sucks not having a ring and he’d gladly give back some stats to get one. I could care less about the Yankees, but I do care if A-Rod crumbles…it gives me more to talk about.
The Twins just manufacture runs…all day and night. They will lose Game 1 because they’re gassed. They’ll probably win Game 2 and maybe 3, but they can’t stand up to the Yankees. A-Rod may not be needed in this series so he’d better save his energy.
Yankees in 4
Angels and Red Sox
The Angels were really sweet in 2002 (what with the whole underdog thing) but they haven’t been able to get it done since then. I think they snuck up on everyone in ‘02 and then their team was exactly the same after that and they just can’t repeat the magic. They’ll probably be like the Braves…getting really close alot, but only closing the deal once (back in 2002.)
The Red Sox are my favorite team. Something about them makes me want them to win. When they were “just dumb enough to win” back in 2004 I just ate it up. I actually abandoned the Braves for the Red Sox because they don’t treat their players like crap and they actually care if they win or not. (Speaking of which, I realized something. When Tommy Glavine and John Smoltz got unceremoniously booted off the Braves I was so mad I could’ve spit. You know what? If I were a REAL fan of the Braves I would have stuck with them, but I can’t. The Red Sox…they can do whatever they want. I trust them. I think there’s a big difference there.)
Anyways, we could sit here all day and talk about the ways the Red Sox can beat you, but I don’t want to put anyone to sleep. They aren’t going to go on a tear, but the Angels have hit the wall.
Sox in 4
Dodgers and Cardinals
The Cards are hot. The Dodgers are not. Something smells in L.A. Busch Beer is here to stay!
I did it, i summed up my whole prediction in one cheesy, Velveeta sized poem!
Cardinals in 4
Rockies and Phillies
This one is weird. The Phillies were the best team in Baseball for alot of the season and the Rockies are hot right now. It’s nice to know that the Rockies fired Clint Hurdle (someone who took them to the Series in 2007) and they improved. They improved so much that they almost won their division after it was a forgone conclusion that the Dodgers would win the West.
The Phillies have more power and more pitching. With Cliff Lee starting Game 1 and the reigning World Series MVP starting Game 2 I’m not sure how you can go against the Phils other than the fact that you think Colorado’s hotness trumps all of Philly’s strength.
I’m not biting.
Phils in 5
Phillies and Cards in the NLCS
I see the Cards getting hot at the right time and the Phillies not having an answer. If this series is left up to managing to you really think Tony LaRussa WON’T out-manage Charlie Manuel? Cards in 6
Yankees and Red Sox in the ALCS
Terry Francona’s won two World Series. Joe Girardi’s won none. With A-Rod as your linchpin and a Manager with no REAL postseason experience you’ve got to believe the Red Sox will sneak up on a very strong Yankee team. Sox in 7
Sox and Cards in the Series
I love this series because we’ve had it before. The Red Sox blew away the Cards in ‘04 and they probably can again. I know, I know, Albert Pujols is the Man, but you know what, that’s not enough. The Red Sox and Cards will duel, but the Red Sox have too much and they’ll be feeling pretty good about taking the Yanks in 7. I can’t see how the Sox would let it get away from them. Sox in 6
{Let’s give it a few days and see how wrong I am!}
My NFL Power Rankings
I’m not going to try to impress you with some fancy pants stats. I’m just going to be honest about how I feel about some of these teams…
1. Giants Tell me they’re not in the driver’s seat. Come on, tell me. You can’t….that’s why they’re #1
2. Saints This team can score at will and now they have some defense. At this rate Darren Sharper will have like 25 interceptions this season. Every time their defense scores things just get really crappy for their opponents.
3. Vikings Like I’ve said already, that’s why you pay $12 Million for Brett Favre. He’s still got it and he’s got the best player in the league to hand the ball to. I know they’re one non-miracle away from being 3-1, but they aren’t, and I think the “hand” is in full effect.
4. Ravens I know they lost to the Patriots, but they are still better than the Patriots. You can’t convince me that something isn’t wrong in New England. For that reason I cannot put New England ahead of them.
5. Patriots They earned this spot by beating a very good Ravens team, but I still think they are effed up. This won’t last.
6. Jets Mark Sanchez is a rookie, but now he has Braylon Edwards. I’m not sure that the Browns could have made a worse trade. Watch how good Edwards gets with an actual WB throwing him the ball.
7. Colts Peyton Manning could be throwing to mannequin and he’d still have 300 yds passing per game. Forget Marvin Harrison, put me in coach!
8. 49ers They’re cookin’. They’ve brought expectations back to the bay area. How can you bet against them now. Lots of people have them behind the Eagles…how?
9. Eagles I’ve read polls with Eagles as high as 4. WTH!?!?! So, just because they’re ok and Donovan is out means they’re good? No, it means they are screwed when he gets back. 5 NFC Title Games and 1 Super Bowl and no titles = I don’t trust you.
10. Falcons The Falcons were off and I almost put them lower, but I realized they’re almost as good as Philly and when Donovan gets back the Falcons will probably jump the Eagles. Let’s just keep Atlanta here for now, we know they’re good. The loss to the Patriots will more than likely prove to be an aberration.
11. Broncos The Broncos climbed out of the gutter and they’re 4-0. If they keep this up they’ll earn my trust soon enough. I’m already starting to believe, but I’m not there yet on Joshie and Kyle.
12. Bears Jay Cutler and the Bears are starting to get some belief out of me and I can’t believe I have them this high. There must be some real garbage in this league!
13. Steelers They aren’t fabulous yet, but they’re still the Champs and they have to be dethroned.
14. Packers We’ve hit the outskirts of “Crapville”. The Packers are alright I guess, but I wish I could start the rankings lower right about now.
15. Jaguars Nobody deserves to be 15, but I guess the Jags can be. How much mediocre crap is there in this league anyways?
16. Cardinals They have the power to turn this around. However, they better hurry up because San Francisco is about to runaway with their division.
17. Chargers They aren’t awful, but they’re still pretending. This won’t last.
18. Texans Another pretender that should be at about 22 or 24, but I can’t because there’s so much garbage at the bottom of the pile.
19. Dolphins Another pretender in Wolf’s clothing. The wildcat produces, but it can’t be everything. Sometimes I wonder if they think they found the new “Run and Shoot”. News Flash for Tony Sparano! You aren’t Jerry Glanville and neither Chad Pennington nor Chad Henne is Warren Moon.
20. Seattle Matt Hasslebeck is supposedly practicing and he’s going to try to go. This is their only hope right now.
21.-32. Take your pick…
Every team not yet mentioned is absolutely awful. Think about how much crap that is: Panthers, Titans, Lions, Redskins, Bills, Bucs, Browns, Raiders, Rams, Chefs. Not one of these teams has a redeeming quality. Raheem Morris fired his O-Coordinator 5 seconds before the season started, Jim Zorn thinks he’s smarter than Sonny Jurgernsen, the Titans are in a (highly surprising) free-fall, the Chefs made the bad-signing-of-the-year (Matt Cassel), the Bills have T.O. (I love how Skip Bayless calls him Team Obliterator), and the Browns, Raiders and Rams are the Browns, Raiders and Rams.
Do you think it would be possible for the Browns, Raiders, and Rams to combine into one super-suck franchise so teams could only play them once? I mean, you might luck into getting two of these teams in one season and that would just suck the competition right out of the league if we let it go on too long. All they’d have to do is combine the rosters, get rid of most of the crap (which is probably 60% of each roster anyways) and then find a central location to house the team. You know what!?! Who needs a central location when they can just move Pro Football back to L.A. If the people of L.A. want it that bad they’ll take anything (and I think they will.) This is a place where a half-gay dude named Johnathan Anton charges $400 for a haircut. Come on, they’d totally do it!
NBA Preseason Power Rankings
This is a good way to get my thoughts out there. Since the preseason just started you can’t tell a whole lot except who is the champ, who didn’t change much, and who made big moves. Let’s give it a try.
1. Lakers They’re the Champs and they added Ron Artest (and the expense of Trevor Ariza, but they still have Ron Artest.) Until they are unseated they’re still on top.
2. Magic I read somewhere that there is a picture of Jameer and Dwight sitting on the bench watching the Lakers celebrate…in the Magic locker room. Dang.
3. Cavaliers They added Shaq (and old, overweight, out-of-shape guy with a bad hip) but they still have LeBron. He’s not Kobe, but he’s enough for #3.
4. Spurs They stole Richard Jefferson from the Nets. I think that’s enough for #4, don’t you?
5. Nuggets They did really well last year and they gave the Lakers all they could handle. That’s enough for #5.
6. Celtics The talent is there (that’s why they’re this high) but that talent is old (KG, Pierce, Allen), annoying (Eddie House), only good for one good postseason (Big Baby), and just stupid looking (Kendrick Perkins.)
7. Trailblazers They added Andre Miller, what more do you want from them?
8. Mavericks I read somewhere they had a good summer. That’s freakin’ worthless. They deserved to be right here regardless of the summer they had.
9. Hawks The Hawks are still #4 in the East, but that’s not bad considering what’s ahead of them.
10. Hornets They won’t fall apart like last season and they ARE the 10th best team in the league. I’m tempted to say they’re better than Atlanta, but not yet.
11. Jazz Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer will carry this team again and if they play their cards right they can be alot higher than this.
12. Bulls Those Baby Bulls pushed the Celts as far as they could possibly take them in the best 1st round series ever. I expect more from them this season…MORE I TELL YOU! (BTW – I know no one likes Joakim Noah, but I think he’s great. If he could control himself he’d be the new Kevin McHale.)
13. Heat They didn’t fair all that well last season, but D-Wade doesn’t mess around and Michael Beasley being out of rehab means he’s better now than he was last year. Period.
14. Raptors They picked up Hedo. I don’t think Hedo realizes that he was good BECAUSE he was in Orlando, not the other way around. That “Point Forward” stuff won’t work up in Canada.
15. 76ers Just once I want to see Elton Brand play a whole season. If he were to do that with AI9, then we might have something going.
16. Wizards Gilbert Arenas comes back and contributes and this number rises a little during the season. He stays hurt and this numbers falls like cookie crumbs from Big Baby’s mouth.
17. Pistons I’m giving them #17 out of respect for the franchise, not Joe Dumars decision-making skills. He better hope Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva play like they did in college, but I’m not seeing it yet.
18. Pacers Danny Granger can do this thing. He might not get them to playoffs, but he’ll die trying. Add to that the energy of Hansbrough (I don’t think he can be productive in the league, but he’ll always get signed as the “high enegy” guy and that might just be enough here.)
19. Thunder They have potential, that’s all I’m going to say.
20.-30. Take your pick. I do this when I realize ranking the teams would be disingenuous because they all have MAJOR issues. The Clippers are, well, the Clippers (don’t give that Baron Davis crap either. Why do you think Elton Brand skipped out on him?) Rockets GM Daryl Morey better hope his fancy statistics add up to wins and really fast. Let’s face it, this team is damaged in every possible way. Yao Ming led a Tracyless Rocket team into the 2nd Round and then hurt his foot so badly that he can’t walk. Listen, big dudes break down and this big dude has been broken for a while. Now Daryl has two superstars who can’t go (Tracy and Yao) and now he has Avery Brooks and Trevor Ariza. (I really hope Trevor realizes he has a ring because he was on the Lakers, not the other way around.)
The Warriors and Nets have nobody. The Knicks will run Mike D’Antoni’s “make you look better than you really are offense.” (That wasn’t my idea, Bill Simmons came up with that one.) The T’Wolves have the worst front office in Sports…yes, worse than Al Davis. The Grizzlies are the Grizzlies….Grizzly. The Bucks sold their souls for nothing and the Kings really are Queens.
You see the problem? The bottom of this league is a mess! Someone, please stop sucking! All in all this can turn out to be a really strange season (I mean “X-Files” strange or it will be a pretty regular season that will give us a Lakers/Celtics final or a Lakers/Cavs final or a rematch from last year. How much do you like UFOs?
